O! Jacob, how I long to know thee!

"Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you?  This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You truly are incorruptible, aren't you? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever."  Joker in The Dark Knight

Jacob wrestled with God and Joker wrestles with Batman.  I wrestle with God, but I like how Joker speaks of the relationship, as oppose to what Scripture says about Jacob's relationship with God.

emasculated

Ever since entering seminary I've felt, for whatever reason, that I am incapable of doing what I desire to do.  Be it preaching, ministering, exegeting, etc.  It's not that I can't do it, I actually can do so quite well in situation where I feel comfortable, specifically among friends or in my evangelism class.  It's when I get in those situations that I'm not comfortable that I just don't feel like I should share my opinion.

and you were like... where'd he go?

I'll admit this semester has hit me like a sack of bricks... I was totally unprepared for it.  It is just a wee bit different having the semester work to take care of all the while tending to a young marriage.  I haven't really had much to think about other than that. Though, that's not the reason for lack of blogging, it is just the sheer volume of reading and work needing to be done. 

I've thought about where to go with this, either to express what I feel going forward or to express how I've felt about the past year.

i'm a cynic and a skeptic

It's true.  I have increasingly become more and more cynical and I hate it.
It's because I am, at the same time, an idealist; this is an odd balance, I know.

To be honest I find it extremely frustrating, and I know I'm not the only one, thankfully.  Recently, at my wedding, I was having a conversation with one of my groomsmen who had just graduated from grad school, essentially a seminary, with a degree in counseling.  He said that he has increasingly become, like myself, a cynic, and also like me, hates it.  It's a very frustrating view to have on life, the world and everyone you know.  And yet, neither he or I can seem to fight it.
It seems like a loss of innocence or naivete, but I wouldn't call it that; I think it is more so the loss of ignorance and the frustrations that come when finite hopes become infinitely impossible to realize.  I do still have hope, but I know that, in all likelihood, they will remain only hope and never become a reality.

hope and fear

Friends, Co-Workers Seek Clues in Search For Missing DC Christian Outreach Worker: MyFoxDC.com

I'll admit I am very scared right now and worried.  This is a guy that not only did I spend a whole summer with but shared a room with along with 2 other guys at Myrtle Beach during my heydays in campus ministry.  Of all the summers in college, I'm not gonna lie, that one was probably my most favorite.  Due in no small part to him, of course there was also Springer and Ryan and that was a unique situation in itself.

fear good

So I am scared of my future, it’s really no big deal. 

In fact, I’m glad to say that I am, at least I’m a realist.  I don’t think we are honest enough with fear.  It’s like we want to cover it up, as if it’s bad.  There seems to be something wrong with crying out and admitting to fear.  We really are a bunch of liars; we go around showing strength and fortitude, and yet we are crying for answers and certainty. 

For my Old Testament class we have to read all of the Psalms.

i don't wanna farm

I'm scared I might be a seeder/seed planter.
That is I'm scared that in my ministry career I am meant to be one who goes out and sows the message and truth of the gospel, that I go out and teach.  There is of course nothing wrong with that, but I am scared that that is all it is meant to be.  I'll be honest, I'd much rather reap what others have sowed; I like harvesting, its "easy" and fun.
Jesus was a seed sower...

When nothing energizes

So a thought crossed my mind upon reading a friend of mine's blog.
Meaninglessness in life.  For the existentialist this is of course to be expected, but for someone with religion, faith or what have you, it is unexpected, and the hardest part is dealing with it.  Often times I know I have felt this way.  My thought process is this:  "OK, I have a problem; I feel little.  I need to fix the problem; I need more faith because if I had faith I wouldn't feel this 'lessness'.  I need to feed my faith by going to that which I know that feeds it (in my case Christian Scripture)."
I'm won't lie, sometimes, most times, it just does not work.  I am seeking joy, fulfillment, experience and I must admit Scripture doesn't really give that.  But, it does give me eyes to see it and know it.  However, in these times I feel listless and need to be able to see why is it that when I go Scripture to be inspired I don't find it working?  I'll admit there is one reason that it doesn't work: legalism.  I am only doing it to try and make some magic happen.  The other times I don't know, but I think a fair assessment would be that its not that I need to have my eyes opened but that I need to be in a place to be able to use them.  Often times this past semester I got incredibly bogged down in school; talk about lifeless, studying and learning, and as much as I absolutely love it, it just gets monotonous, without any reprieve. Then the time of the week comes where I am exhausted and drained, and I have to go to my internship at the retirement community.  Let me tell you, there is nothing more lame than having to go to an internship when you have absolutely no desire to.

But then again, for whatever reason its rejuvenating.  I'll admit at times it was hard this past semester, trying to get up the energy to go out and love people, but the right mindset is when I need.  My mindset when it works is selfless and serving, thinking about the small things I am doing, because they are small things, to further the work of the chaplain ministry of the community; when its hard its being worried about if these small things amount to anything and if its just a big waste of my time.  I wonder, though, what will it be like when I am doing ministry full-time?  The main question is how can I find joy when I get bogged down in the things find joy in, like learning, theology and ministry?  Right now I find it by getting out of what I get bogged down in and getting into a place to give myself away, to serve and love, and even though I am completely and totally drained at times, giving myself to serve people seems to give me life and energy.  That's something that I want to do just as much now as when I am older.  Its something I want to do with Alison when we are married, something to do together with my kids when we have them.

Explosive messages

Extremism is quite ridiculous, and according to the news, quite prevalent.

It is especially active in Iraq and Afghanistan where soldiers are stationed fighting terrorism and promoting democracy; unfortunately this leads to us seeing extremism as being promoted by only by Muslims.

This of course isn't true, I remember Eric Rudolph's bombing of Olympic Park bombing in 1996 not to mention his other bombings around Atlanta in the mid-90s.  His religion was that of Christianity.  There are numerous other groups that claim Christianity as their religion and are extremists as well.  Political groups can be extremists as well.  The Nazis, Stalin's communism, Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge were all extreme, of course they aren't called extremists, they are guilty of genocide interestingly enough.

But when you think about it, what really drives anyone to be so extreme?  I don't think they are motivated so much by hate as they are by fear.  And they fear that this other ideology is not simply against them but against the humanity that they care about.  I know it sounds ridiculous.  Consider Hitler, I would say that he hated the Jews not because they were Jews but because he loved Germany.  Thus, to ensure the success of Germany he had to to away with the "Marxist Jews".  I'll admit that this is extremely simplistic and a reading of Mein Kampf might help.  It almost seems legitimate... almost.  

I mean there is no justification for what Hitler did, or anyone who commits extreme acts of violence.  But I can understand at least what drives them to it.  Fear.  Its like a last ditch effort, you see a high probability of failure, of destruction and somehow you need to find a way to fix it and then you find a scapegoat.  The only course of action then is to take care of the problem, by blowing up Americans or abortion clinics or systematically killing a people group.  To be honest, I find myself falling into these fears at times.  Fears of psychological and eating disorders fueled by fashion models, fear of extremists Christians groups ruining the message of Christ, fears of corporations and government ruining the environment, fears of Obama ruining the nation... OK, so not really the last one, perhaps a fear of Glenn Beck ruining the nation...? 

At any rate, I would say that they are substantial fears that, if realized, have far reaching implications.  But what can I do?  I mean, I feasibly can't change the corporate world of fashion or industry, I can't feasibly change the way politics are done, I can't feasibly change the crazy ideas of Christian extremists.   What can I do?  What course of action could I take that could change anything?  The extremist idea would be to blow something up to send a message, and as an individual I could do that, and if there is enough planning you not only blow something up, but you do it big, like the Twin Towers, that sends a big message, or you do it intelligently that shuts down the function of something, like in Fight Club.  I can easily see how fear could lead someone(s) to think in such a way, it is very simple (illogical) logic.

I am very thankful though that my fears are allayed by my faith in Christ.  I don't have to commit extreme acts to ensure a place in an other worldly paradise, nor do I have to do so to make this place a paradise.  Because this place will become paradise, whether I do anything to further that or not.  I could actually play a part in destroying the world and it would become paradise, of course it would be a miserable existence until then, but it would become it nonetheless.  This is the glory of the New Jerusalem being here on this 3rd planet from the Sun, and the glory that it is the risen Christ that will be the one who brings it.  There is no need for me to exercise vengeance or justice either.  I don't need to be the one that blows up those whom I think are committing acts of injustice or destruction, because it is the risen Christ that does that also.  Thus, when I experience fear, I am not filled with hopelessness that drives extremism, I am filled with hope.

I hope that the work Christ began, he is finishing. 

half of my heart

No I'm not thinking of the John Mayer song, but I do like it.  And if you're like me once you get a thought of something in your head you just have to get that taken care of.  So here, enjoy Half of My Heart by John Mayer:





I was praying through Jeremiah 29:11-14 and this idea of only seeking God with half of my heart hit me hard.  Most often when you look into this passage, only verse 11 sticks out, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." When I first started praying through it, that was what hit me too, but then I verse 13 really started sticking out to me, "You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."  


The word translated as heart in the original Hebrew is lebab; it means something far more than what we mean when we speak of heart.  Heart to us is a strong feeling of emotion, some might call it soul, but it does not connote much more than strong feelings and desires.  "I give you my heart," is an example where we are giving all of our emotions and feelings to someone.   Lebab on the other hand is far more than that; it is more along the lines of whole being, heart, soul, emotions, thoughts, mind, etc.  Everything that someone is is their lebab.  


Luckily, I knew this fact going in and it really opened my eyes.  I often speak of the pride I find in my knowledge, and it yet again rears its ugly head here.  I am only throwing half of my heart in my quest for God more often than not.  I find that when I seek, it is mostly a thought processes: a question of why or how something is, concluding in understanding.  Rarely is it a emotive or physical process, and when it is those, rarely is it ever holistic, it's always either/or.  This enlightenment frustrates me.  One of my greatest strengths is even more so one of my greatest faults.
This does have a silver lining though; in seminary, I am at a place where thinking takes a high priority, and so when I am wanting to meet God I simply don't want to do a study or think more.  I am already exhausted of thinking.  What I find myself wanting to do is rest and enjoy - a very physical and emotional thing I have found.  And thankfully my prayer life in this and for this is being blessed.


I wonder though if this is something that will stick with me or if I will default back to my faulty asset.  This is a fear of mine I admit.  I do not want to keep seeking God with half of my heart, because I simply will not fully find him.  I want to seek God with everything so that I can truly enjoy everything of him.  There is a delight that I am finding right now in seeking God with more than my mind through some sort of Scripture study.  This is something that I want to maintain, and whereas I have my fears I also know that God is faithful.

On the road again...

Or at least it feels that way.  One thing about this whole life circumstance right now is that I feel totally unsettled; it seems like the biggest, most drawn out transition.
Of course graduating college into the worst job market in recent history felt that way as well, but at least I was living with 3 unemployed guys who shared my misery!  Eventually though I was able to find some footing and get settled, to an extent I guess you could say, but then seminary comes.  So this is where I am now and I look ahead  to June and I am getting married.  In the span of 3 years 3 major life changes have happened.  And all I want to do is get settled, but I feel like I won't be able to for another 7 months!  This is definitely frustrating, especially when I feel like my grades and thus scholarships are hanging in the balance.
When I was in my extended transition after graduating UNCG I was frustrated but only because I didn't know where I was going or how I was going to get there and pay for it.  That sort of looking out and seeing yourself on the edge of the cliff and not knowing how and where to go is more scary than simply frustrating, so I was frustrated because I was scared.  Now I'm frustrated again for partly the same reason, paying for Seminary when you have money tied to grades and then the fear of not being able to make the grades and not being able to make them because you have so much to attend to.   It's definitely frustrating, not knowing and then also not being where you want to be.
I must keep telling myself the love Christ has for me.  Which I don't like, primarily because I feel like I should know it by now.  Not because I don't like it though, I assure you!  It's just the first thing I seem to forget, and the easiest thing I seem to forget is the love of God for me.  He is far more concerned with me than I could even know and that, because of this, everything that I go through is all for my good for his good purposes.  It seems so hard to believe sometimes when you don't know what the heck is going on and you're just trying to make it through the next paper, test, weekend, etc.  Yet it is also comforting, especially comforting is how often I am reassured by everyone that I am meant for this.  Because often I forget that too, but the people who love me most and are the most willing, at least I would hope, to tell me when I am going the wrong direction, tell me that I am at the right place and doing the right thing, going in the right direction.

Trust sucks.  I'll admit it.  Trust sucks because it's hard, especially trusting God.  It doesn't mean that I don't love it, it just means that I have to depend on not knowing and going totally on faith in trusting God.  That's scary for me, I am such an analytical, understanding based person and the thing I am called to most in my life and relationship with God is to not know and just take a, seemingly, giant step off this cliff into the abyss of the unknown trusting and totally depending on God's love and call for my life.  Which for now is into school debt and ridiculous busyness trusting that not only will God pull me through, but that God has some sort of prosperity on the other side, be it freedom from debt or, and even better I would say, a deeper more real knowledge of his trustworthiness, faithfulness and love.
Though I would totally get the last part if it was freedom from debt.... haha!