I'll admit I am very scared right now and worried. This is a guy that not only did I spend a whole summer with but shared a room with along with 2 other guys at Myrtle Beach during my heydays in campus ministry. Of all the summers in college, I'm not gonna lie, that one was probably my most favorite. Due in no small part to him, of course there was also Springer and Ryan and that was a unique situation in itself.
We were never close beyond that summer and, though Elon and Greensboro are only like 20 minutes apart on I-40, I just never ventured over there much; I never really needed to except to see friends. I mean I could go on about that etc, blah blah blah, yada yada yada.
All that to say, he's definitely one of those guys that's genuine (unless he's drastically changed, which I doubt he has). What I mean by that is that he's the kind of guy that you can not talk to for 3 years, see him and strike up a conversation that could, if neither of you are busy, could take up to an hour and it would be an open, funny, honest conversation. Not that type where you feel like you made small talk for an hour (those. are. miserable.)
When I heard that he was missing I went in to that sort of shocked state; there was a surrealness about it and the only other time I have felt something like that was when I was a Junior in high school witnessing the events of 9/11. Needless to say its not surreal anymore, but fear. As I was telling my fiancee last night, I don't want to have to attend a funeral. I'll admit that that is a big jump from him simply being missing, but who knows? I can't imagine the sort of emotions going through the heads of the people actually up there and dealing with it, muchless his family.
God is in control. What else can I lean on right now? Some random order to the universe; shit happens?? I can't find solace in that, it's meaningless and meaninglessness is worthless to me even when all is well. But the God is in control is also a conundrum. Its reassuring when things are tough, hard and well crappy. Of course its also confusing, because if God is in control then I feel I must ask the question why? There is always the hindsight that says its to grow us as individuals and peoples and there is the idea that God does what glorifies him. All this is true, but I still find it frustrating. Not so much frustration at God, but just frustration at the way things work.
Or don't work.
It's broken. I pine for something different and its events like this, amid much more grandiose, worldwide ones that show me that something is wrong with this world. Something is broken. If this is a kidnapping, or grand theft auto, or even murder then that belief is only reaffirmed.
I don't like the way God has to work in this existence, world, universe, or whatever you want to call it. God has to work with a bunch of crap that we have created. The epitome is Jesus who not only worked with it, but wallowed, and wallows in, it with us. I find that reassuring, as well as frustrating.
It reflects perfectly what I am feeling right now. Hope in the midst of fear. I cannot pray loftily right now, I can't put on a game face right now. I'm terrified of the worst and hope for the best. I terrified that the worst is what will happen and even in that I will have to come to grips with it being the best as God sees it (that statement itself needs a lot of unpacking, but I'm just not going to do it right now).
I know I can find hope, in my faith and in God, even while I'm swimming in an ocean of fear,
because that's what I'm doing right now.
EDIT:
I'll admit this a very temporal perspective on this issue. I understand the eternal perspective perfectly as well as believe it (that is God is holy and sovereign and things such as Rom 8:28). But, I am not (yet) eternal, nor can I live as if I can comprehend eternity. No doubt I find my faith rested in the eternal perspective, but I must also live in the existence of which I am and know, and that is temporal. To not would be to deny my emotions, deny my fear and live only in a place that I cannot live in. I do have hope, and it is eternal hope, but I also have fear, because I am human.
I cannot deny my humanity, thus I pray to God in fear and mourning and not in joy with a smile.
EDIT:
I'll admit this a very temporal perspective on this issue. I understand the eternal perspective perfectly as well as believe it (that is God is holy and sovereign and things such as Rom 8:28). But, I am not (yet) eternal, nor can I live as if I can comprehend eternity. No doubt I find my faith rested in the eternal perspective, but I must also live in the existence of which I am and know, and that is temporal. To not would be to deny my emotions, deny my fear and live only in a place that I cannot live in. I do have hope, and it is eternal hope, but I also have fear, because I am human.
I cannot deny my humanity, thus I pray to God in fear and mourning and not in joy with a smile.
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